My location: Concrete Cowboy, Dallas, Texas
Mike: “So your job is to pay attention to the crowd and break up the fights. It happens a lot here, I hope you’re ready.”
“Uhh yeahhhh… Of course,” I said with all the confidence I could muster.
It was hard to hear him over the blaring techno music and other distractions.
Today was my first day as a bouncer at the Concrete Cowboy, one of the most popular bars in Uptown Dallas.
On the outside, I tried to play it cool.
On the inside, I was sweating like Shaq at the foul line.
I wasn’t much of the bar type in college and this is really my first indoctrination into the scene.
Speaking to me was my new manager, Mike Gutierrez.
He looked like the mean Indian version of James Harden and had a barbed demeanor.
It’s the first time we’ve spoken and I’m struggling to comprehend everything that’s going on.
Mike: “Just stop the fights and call for help. You’ll be fine.”
I don’t know what was more uncomfortable at that moment: Mike’s assuredness that I’d be breaking up a few fights tonight or the fact some girl was trying to grind on me while I’m mid conversation with him.
Not joking.
I’m standing still with my arms crossed. Mike is to my right and I’m looking over my shoulder at him.
All while a random drunk girl is trying to hump my leg like a bull moose in heat.
It’s 9:30pm.
“Oh… Ok Dude,” I mutter, while looking down at this girl.
Mike looks at her too and chuckles, “Haha, Happens all the time man…”
This was my first few hours working at the Concrete Cowboy.
While the allure of the job quickly faded, the lessons I learned remained.
If you’re a guy with some free time on your hands and want to build some confidence, consider becoming a bouncer.
If you pay attention, it will teach you more about people than you’d probably like to know.
Here are some of the lessons I learned from those nights that stuck with me.
1. Confidence Doesn’t Work for Attention
This is something I almost immediately began to recognize watching the social interactions at the bar and they gym where I worked. This person became easy to spot and I call this person the Doing Too Much Guy.
Common Examples:
- The guy who’s yelling obnoxiously at the bar.
- The guy who slams the weights way too loudly in the gym.
- The guy who throws money around in front of others and makes a scene about it.
These actions have the appearance of confidence, yet over time you learn how incredibly sad they really are.
Why?
Because the above behaviors are generally done to impress others.
Similar to the young girl applying a carnival clown’s layer of makeup before going out, these actions are outward manifestations of internal insecurities.
The root of these actions is what women and men subconsciously notice.
Throwing down money in front of others often doesn’t say “I’m a confident man,” but rather it says, “Please look at me and acknowledge how cool I want you to think I am.”
The subtlety here is that these actions mimic confidence, but they are fools gold and most people see right through them.
It’s the intent.
2. Confidence is Indifferent To the Status Quo
One of the coolest people I ever met at the bar was a random Australian guy treating his friends to fun a night in Dallas.
This guy was the complete juxtaposition of every other dude in the bar that night.
He wore a long-sleeved t-shirt, old jeans, and plain shoes.
More important than what he wore, however, was his presence.
Relaxed, shoulders back, and not a care in the world.
He stood out from the rest of the bar in such a visible way that people would just stop to stare at him.
It was genuinely amusing watching how the 100’s of dudes in blazers and button down’s eyed this guy wondering why he was so fucking magnetic.
Most importantly, he stood out in the right way.
He was genuine, and you could tell from the moment you saw him.
He wasn’t trying to be anything, except himself.
3. Confident People Don’t Say, “I Don’t Give a Fuck.”
If I had a nickel every time I heard this statement in Dallas, I’d be driving a Bugatti.
This is another example of attention-seeking behavior and a total lack of real confidence.
Think about it like this: A guy who genuinely does not care does not feel the need to run around telling people he does not care.
He just genuinely does not care.
It’s like the kid who try’s to be cool by doing anything to make other’s laugh. It comes off as fake and uncool as a result of the needy behavior.
4. Confidence Exhibits Moments of Radical Honesty
This was probably my biggest downfall when I was younger. I was constantly lying and manipulating the truth to try and get people to think I was cool.
The most interesting part about this was that I thought I was a really honest person.
I even lied to myself about how much I was lying. It was just a little maneuver my mind played on me.
Fast forward 10 years:
I have this amazing trick that I learned with girls that works almost every time.
It’s crazy easy to do and you’ll be shocked at the results.
In fact, it’s not even a trick at all…
I attempt to be completely 100% honest with them about everything.
Even honest to a fault.
Honest when it often makes me look like a fuck up or a loser.
I tell women exactly how I feel when I feel it, what I think when I think it, and what I want when I want it.
I don’t sugarcoat anything.
The only times I do are when they would genuinely hurt someone else because the goal is an act of expression.
Why do they like this? Because honesty is not something people see very often. It takes an extreme amount of courage and confidence to be completely open and honest with a beautiful girl or person you look up to.
To not exaggerate about your life, how you feel, or anything therein.
I learned this from all the sorority girls I trained: guy’s lie.
Most guys think that in order to get with a girl you have to lie, manipulate, play games, and be something other than yourself.
It’s really not true.
Most girls, actually, will be incredibly thankful and refreshed by your honesty and will probably be more attracted to you than you’re used to.
Honesty takes courage, especially when the truth is hard to hear. Practice radical honesty with women and men, and they will grow to respect you.
5. Everyone is Unsure About Things All The Time
“Confidence is not the absence of fear, but the ability to continue in spite of fear.” – Unknown
I have a lot of fears.
One, in particular, is about this website and sharing my thoughts and feelings so openly to the world.
I will not claim to be some courageous giant, but I try to follow this battle cry in life:
If it scares me, I should probably do it.
If you want more confidence, you need to learn to do the things that make you nervous.
Because where you are most nervous, you are the most vulnerable.
And in that place of vulnerability, and only that place, will you truly grow.
Alex Nerney